I'm Sorry...my love.

I never understood how you could get so jealous of other men when we weren't officially together. It always made me smile. You held your tumbler out and the boys would hit on you and poor you another.

We'd sit on the counter with our legs together and I thought that no one else mattered. It wasn't even our party but fuck it, it felt like it! Our red plastic glasses covered the lawn for a week before Jesus Dave picked them up.

I'm plagued and honored to have these memories of you and these regrets and these desires. You are always a vision for me that passes with every day, a hope and a longing that will never be fulfilled.

I'm sorry for telling you that you couldn't go to my shows anymore because you got to drunk and made a scene.

I'm sorry for kissing you at John's Alley to get Adam's attention as he played trumpet on stage.

I'm sorry that later that night I snuck off into Adam's room to smoke pot and make out while all the guys tried to get you drunk at the after party.

I'm sorry for not calling you more after we graduated, but you never returned anyone's phone calls.

I'm sorry for not calling in sick so I could hold you through the morning.

I'm sorry for not believing you and for dismissing you every time you told me that I was beautiful.

I'm sorry for not saying it back more.

I'm sorry for every time we were alone that I didn't try to kiss you.

I'm sorry for not taking advantage of the moments I had to just look at you and really take you all in.

I'm sorry for playing truth or dare with you, Jesus Dave, Jim & Karen and Karen finding out that you had slept with Jim and the fact that you both cried for so long having found out.

I'm sorry I wasn't there to go with you all to the cowboy party.

I'm sorry I wasn't there to go with you camping so that Jesus Dave wouldn't have slept with you when you were drunk.

I'm sorry for not giving you more reasons to be here, right now.

I'm sorry for trying to make you feel bad about the cycles you were in.

I'm sorry for trying to prevent you from doing things, because I thought they would hurt you.

I'm sorry for not giving you more hugs.

I'm sorry that I broke down when you showed me your cuts and I wasn't stronger to give you more support.

I'm sorry for always trying to look out for you instead of being there with you more.

I'm sorry for never making you dinner and for ordering items with meat when I knew you were a vegetarian.

I'm sorry for not wearing your pants out more, because I don't want anyone to see me in your pants.

I'm sorry for not telling you how I felt.

I'm sorry for the fact that I'm still crazy about you.

I'm sorry most of all that you aren't here and that I can't tell you all these things and that all I want to do is tell you these things and that I want to hold you and tell you how perfectly wonderful you are and how greatly missed you are and how everyday I think about you.

I'm sorry that I'll never be able to let go of you.